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A girl whose voice inevitably drops low into the monotone.
Who relies on the facts and figures of life to animate
a conversation.
This is her first impression.

This may be all you receive for weeks and months on end.
You will see a wisp of her here, and a glance of her there.
But she will be elusive, and secretive, and hidden.
Unless you try.

And you will find, that she is off exploring, so that one day
she may show you the world.

She will find the hole-in-the-wall cafes and
upscale restaurants that her hometown has to offer.
She will venture to the big city and back.
Some days, she will take risky detours. Other days will 
be mapped out. But each time, she will find something new
that she hopes to share with someone, one day.

She will travel to far off cities. This she does not do alone.
And she catalogues her enjoyment for future reference.
She will usually suggest the unconventional, the outlying
response. She will always want to explore: a nearby town,
a no-name diner, a flea market, a thrift shop. She doesn’t
mind driving for a while, even if there is no destination.
She doesn’t mind getting lost.
She will suggest concerts, and museums, and parks
to picnic at. She will want to stay at a hostel, not for the
comfort, but for the experience. She will scuba dive,
hold your hand as you get a tattoo, and hike mountains
with you.

But she will also like her time alone. She enjoys long walks
in the morning or the night. Journaling with a steaming hot
mug of coffee next to her. Getting lost in a book for a few 
hours. You didn’t do anything wrong. She just needs a 
break. And before you know it, she will be off suggesting
the next risky business on her mind.

But she doesn’t want to explore widely, only deeply. So 
she won’t mingle at the clubs, she won’t hitchhike,
she won’t step into a casino, even for its buffet.
She will give money to homeless people. She will 
find a church to go on Sunday. She will want to go
on a disaster-relief trip. She will want to learn more
about what she has to offer the world.

So please. Don’t inundate her with your words,
crafted into perpetual excitement or emotion.
Instead, share with her your time, effort and soul.
And inside you’ll find, a world of a difference.

Some day there will be no war, 
Then I shall take out this afternoon
And turn it in my fingers,
And remark the sweet taste of it upon
my palate,
And note the crisp variety of its flights of leaves

To-day I can only gather it
And put it into my lunch box
For I have time for nothing
But the endeavour to balance myself
Upon a broken world.

People come and people go. Even though you tell yourself, “Never again.” Someone else will come and profoundly affect your life. Whether it be after days or months, even if you’re not open to the possibility, there will be inevitably someone that will shake up the way you view the world.

I told my mom that I’m done pursuing my parents’ dreams for me. I told her that, to an extent, money doesn’t make me happy. And I think she knew I was already beating myself up over TFA because I had ignored her calls for days. So she agreed. And told me she would support whatever decision I made because she trusts that I don’t have bad intentions. But I don’t want to rely on her forever. I want a source of income that I can donate to friends going on missions, charities, etc. Or maybe even go on missions myself. But how? 

It’s just a thought, maybe even a dream. But I’d love to move to Portland. There’s a vet tech school there that seems feasible to attend. Ideally, I’d move there with a friend, possibly Nicole. I want to do something daring and slightly adventurous in my 20s. And moving halfway across the country just might fit that criteria. Also, I hear Portland’s community caters to nice, genuine people. Aka my cup of tea

I know we’re supposed to love those that are hard to love, but I’m sure I’ll find people like that in Portland. And I’m gonna need to take small steps to becoming a more tolerant person.

One instance of grace and forgiveness that compelled me to reconsider my stance, was from Leigh, a member of my group project. Leigh and Mary are friends, but for some reason Mary was being super feisty to the point of rude when we were writing our script. In my mind, it was a perfect example of an instant doorslam. And Leigh was also upset. Mary ended up leaving early, and after she left, Leigh sincerely apologized for Mary’s behavior and said that she isn’t always like this and she didn’t know why Mary was behaving this way. But when I walked into class the next day, they were back to being good friends. And throughout our project, I have seen this cycle occur over and over again. But even though Leigh constantly concedes, there is a strength to her aura and actions that makes me wonder if Mary reconsiders her actions after each fit. If somehow through Leigh’s inherent grace, Mary is somewhat changed through each interaction. Or maybe Leigh rebukes her behind the scenes. I don’t know. But whatever Leigh’s doing, I really admire it. She has a beautiful soul, and I pray it becomes refined with each passing day.

Heart broken year after year
People running away, running like strangers day after day
Breathe in, you’re not alone

-vigil & food packing for the Boston Marathon victims… it was truly humbling to be part of something larger, to meet the world changers that I asked to meet just last night
-Esther helping out & having really good convos with her
-Jamie randomly messaging me about how I’m doing & how she never asked before bc she wasn’t sure how to. not sure exactly why she felt the need to message me at this very moment, but still a very blessed moment. 

Please take my heart and make it new.

I’m sorry for constantly making this about me.

I just… I’ve always felt lost in a Christian community. Even in elementary school. I always thought that even if I didn’t fit into the world, I could at least fit in here. I’ve always had a deeper love for people who had a simple, yet profound humanness about them. But I think it’s time for me to learn how to love everyone, even those who are hard to love.

I just pray to find a community of believers that I can truly love and cherish; by looking past my insecurities and focusing on You. To see what’s imperfect, and instead of trying to avoid such imperfections, find courage to both address and love them. To constantly tear myself apart and rebuild myself based on the truth that I find in you. To rebuke lovingly. 

It might be too late on campus, but as always, I’m looking forward to the future. To spreading Your truth fearlessly and with deep conviction.

They devoted themselves to the apostles’ teaching and to fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer. Everyone was filled with awe at the many wonders and signs performed by the apostles. All the believers were together and had everything in common. They sold property and possessions to give to anyone who had need. Every day they continued to meet together in the temple courts. They broke bread in their homes and ate together with glad and sincere hearts, praising God and enjoying the favor of all the people. And the Lord added to their number daily those who were being saved.

-Acts 2:42-47

Hospitality. Sacrifice. Generosity. Commitment. Radical.

Humble, but not meek. Strong in conviction and action.

God at the center, all actions point towards Him.

Blessings all around.

“Therefore the Christian needs another Christian who speaks God’s Word to him. He needs him again and again when he becomes uncertain and discouraged, for by himself he cannot help himself without belying the truth.”

Basically, make friends who will stick with you through the hard times instead of avoiding you like the plague. And pray that they’re Christian so that you can comfort each other with God’s promise.

“Benedict understood that the first roles of the disciple are to listen and learn. Words, rather than issuing from a well of reverence and wisdom, often betray ignorance and immaturity”

Either make mature friends, or rebuke them in their immaturity. Lesson: Stop hiding away from the world using introvertedness as an excuse.

“As I saw those cell phone screens open during the movie, I observed that the people using them were not fully committed to being anywhere during those two hours. They were physically sitting in the theater, but their minds and hearts were scattered all over the place. They were not fully present, in terms of their attention, to the visual and auditory experience in front of them, they were not fully present to their friends and family that they were sitting next to, and they were not geographically present to the people they were text messaging. They had a hand and foot in several different places that were disconnected, leaving them as some sort of radical amputees. They were everywhere and they were nowhere. So many people walk through their lives as ghosts, not fully present to anything, gliding through places and around people but not really seeing or experiencing or being seen or experienced.”

Some days I stare into the abyss
my dreams swirl and gyrate 
and swoop and shimmer
and they overflow
with the weight
of my tears.

I know Urbana taught me that in order to go out into world missions, you need to be able to love the people in your community first. But sometimes… I wonder if I’m surrounded by the wrong people.

Sometimes I wonder if I came to the wrong college, at least in terms of friendship. I feel so horribly alone on this campus. I feel like I can’t tell anyone about my dreams to go out in the world and explore because…. well, it feels like everyone else just wants to settle down and lead a nice, normal life. Find their significant other. Get married. Have kids. Have a decent job. Just be happy, all the time. Talk about happy things, have fun, not take responsibility. And I think of my high school friends. And how much I miss them. I miss how passionately the DM exec board cared about injustices in the world. I miss talking to Nelson about the world-famous restaurant he would own. I miss talking to Melanie about her becoming a fashion designer in New York. I miss talking to Lauren about her missions trips. I miss talking to Grace about her desire to reform education. And sadly, most of all, I miss Wayne. I miss how he would talk about how we needed to go back to South Dakota for the kids. How he put those words into action, and how the next summer he went back. I miss him talking about how much he cared for those kids, how much he cared about other people. Even if they weren’t part of his community. And the reason I miss him most, is because through his actions and our conversations, he made ME care about making a difference.

Here, I go to small group. I go to large group. After each event, we hang out by watching a movie, going bowling, playing a game, etc. Then we go back to our respective places until we meet next. I can’t see the vision that we share because it feels like we only search for our OWN relationship with God, and because of that I can’t find the energy to care. In high school, I was dead tired all the time. But I went to meetings, I hung out with people because we shared the vision of wanting to change the world. We got things done for the world we wanted to better.

I just… I miss talking to people who want to change the world.

I want to be a world-changer. I want life to be one wild adventure, where each turn brings something new, something exciting to the scene. And I want to suffer in the best way possible: suffering for something I passionately believe in.

Talking to Nicole today made me so happy. I told her about my dreams for the future, and how we should move to Portland together. Even if she didn’t buy it 100%, she indulged my imagination. We fed said imagination with what classes we would take, what part-time jobs we would have, how much money we should save up, what kind of dog we would have (or maybe a cat?!), we even looked up 2 bedroom apartments around the area.

We talked about how we don’t want to be disillusioned, but if we are, it’d be better if we had first taken some risks and had a few adventures.

I wish I didn’t neglect Nicole all these years. I guess distance did make a difference, but I became so caught up on trying to form friendships on campus that I ended up forgetting about her. But something has changed… we’re both sick of being cooped up in our shells, waiting for life to happen. I pray that this trip will open our eyes to the possibilities, and that God will work in our lives to bring about necessary change and fulfillment. And maybe check out a hipster church in Portland. Just sayin’ :)

-prepared three chicken breasts, two cups of rice, and a box of pasta— barely ate any of it

-haven’t left the apt in more than 24 hours

-was sober only half the time; was either dancing or sleeping for the other half

-contemplated moving to Portland

-contemplated deleting Facebook

-threw away letters and other mementos

-ignored 6 calls, three from my mom

-changed my mind three times: not working out w/ erica, not going out with sandy, not going to iv lock-in

i’m on the threshold of something either infinitely amazing or infinitely terrifying…. if i could somehow kill myself without actually dying, this would be the route to take.

“We throw our parties; we abandon our families to live alone in Canada; we struggle to write books that do not change the world, despite our gifts and our unstinting efforts, our most extravagant hopes. We live our lives, do whatever we do, and then we sleep. It’s as simple and ordinary as that. A few jump out windows, or drown themselves, or take pills; more die by accident; and most of us are slowly devoured by some disease, or, if we’re very fortunate, by time itself. There’s just this for consolation: an hour here or there when our lives seem, against all odds and expectations, to burst open and give us everything we’ve ever imagined, though everyone but children (and perhaps even they) know these hours will inevitably be followed by others, far darker and more difficult. Still, we cherish the city, the morning; we hope, more than anything, for more. Heaven only knows why we love it so…” 

-The Hours