I know Urbana taught me that in order to go out into world missions, you need to be able to love the people in your community first. But sometimes… I wonder if I’m surrounded by the wrong people.
Sometimes I wonder if I came to the wrong college, at least in terms of friendship. I feel so horribly alone on this campus. I feel like I can’t tell anyone about my dreams to go out in the world and explore because…. well, it feels like everyone else just wants to settle down and lead a nice, normal life. Find their significant other. Get married. Have kids. Have a decent job. Just be happy, all the time. Talk about happy things, have fun, not take responsibility. And I think of my high school friends. And how much I miss them. I miss how passionately the DM exec board cared about injustices in the world. I miss talking to Nelson about the world-famous restaurant he would own. I miss talking to Melanie about her becoming a fashion designer in New York. I miss talking to Lauren about her missions trips. I miss talking to Grace about her desire to reform education. And sadly, most of all, I miss Wayne. I miss how he would talk about how we needed to go back to South Dakota for the kids. How he put those words into action, and how the next summer he went back. I miss him talking about how much he cared for those kids, how much he cared about other people. Even if they weren’t part of his community. And the reason I miss him most, is because through his actions and our conversations, he made ME care about making a difference.
Here, I go to small group. I go to large group. After each event, we hang out by watching a movie, going bowling, playing a game, etc. Then we go back to our respective places until we meet next. I can’t see the vision that we share because it feels like we only search for our OWN relationship with God, and because of that I can’t find the energy to care. In high school, I was dead tired all the time. But I went to meetings, I hung out with people because we shared the vision of wanting to change the world. We got things done for the world we wanted to better.
I just… I miss talking to people who want to change the world.
I want to be a world-changer. I want life to be one wild adventure, where each turn brings something new, something exciting to the scene. And I want to suffer in the best way possible: suffering for something I passionately believe in.
Talking to Nicole today made me so happy. I told her about my dreams for the future, and how we should move to Portland together. Even if she didn’t buy it 100%, she indulged my imagination. We fed said imagination with what classes we would take, what part-time jobs we would have, how much money we should save up, what kind of dog we would have (or maybe a cat?!), we even looked up 2 bedroom apartments around the area.
We talked about how we don’t want to be disillusioned, but if we are, it’d be better if we had first taken some risks and had a few adventures.
I wish I didn’t neglect Nicole all these years. I guess distance did make a difference, but I became so caught up on trying to form friendships on campus that I ended up forgetting about her. But something has changed… we’re both sick of being cooped up in our shells, waiting for life to happen. I pray that this trip will open our eyes to the possibilities, and that God will work in our lives to bring about necessary change and fulfillment. And maybe check out a hipster church in Portland. Just sayin’ :)